Reflections on 2020: Through Failure Comes the Courage to Try Again

Today’s post isn’t about how to fuel up for a workout. Or my sharing a new recipe. It’s probably not what you visit my site for. And that’s ok. I won’t be offended if you skip right over this. But for me, writing has always been therapeutic and sharing my struggles has always helped me express myself with the hope of helping others.

Let’s face it, this year has been hard AF. It feels like every week there’s a new and different struggle. Things I’ve never had to or ever thought I’d have to encounter I am. And every day I remind myself how lucky I am. I have a roof over my head. Food to eat. I’m healthy. I have people who support me and a loving husband. Things could be worse.

And then it feels like they get worse. I tell myself not to focus on it. Change my mindset. Good things come out of struggles, right?

I’ve been in some dark places before. And when I reflect on those times of my life, I know I came out a stronger, better person having gone through it. So why has this year felt like something I can’t get out of? So hopeless? And like I’ve failed myself and those that love me?

I think it’s because there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. That and something I’ve taken great pride in – my career and professional aspirations – have dwindled down to virtually nothing.

Last fall I left a comfortable job. I had a good salary, benefits, and generally liked what I did. But it didn’t feel like a career or what I was meant to do for the rest of my life. And that’s how I felt about many of the jobs I’ve had over the 16 years that I’ve been a dietitian.

My dream – or at least I thought – was to have my own business. But I had never felt confident to go all in on my side hustle until I met my husband. And with his encouragement and support, I made the decision to do that last year. We agreed that I would take a part time job to help make ends meet while I grew my business. Flash forward to the new year. My business was starting to pick up and the part time job was also going very well. I was busy – but happy-ish – and felt like I could see this actually working. It was an exciting time.

Then we all know what happened. Covid hit and I was let go from the part time gig. I hit a complete lull in my private practice because when your focus is helping endurance athletes prepare for peak race season – and there is no race season – most aren’t willing to invest in something like nutrition until they can see the light at the end of the tunnel themselves.

I told myself this was only temporary and threw myself into little projects – like attempting to garden (did not go all that well – confirming that I in fact do not have a green thumb), jumping on the sourdough bandwagon (and still going strong!) and spending a lot of time reflecting on what I want out of my career.

I became a dietitian because I wanted to help people. I’ve stayed a dietitian because of the people I’ve met and the diverse range of opportunities I’ve had. It took me 15 years to identify what really made me tick and to get back to why I became a dietitian. But over the last 8 months I’ve questioned that decision and my career path choices thanks in much part to social media, influencers with no experience touting bogus advice that drives me mad but ultimately gets them the clients I wish were coming to me, and not feeling capable or good enough. I let those feelings stop me from actually growing my business and it sucks.

The other thing that really hurt was losing my job. And then trying left and right to get another one with no success. It’s like dating all over again. One rejection after another. Entry level positions – things I should be able to do – not even calling me back. Is my experience too wide or varied? What’s wrong with me? How has it been 8 months and I still have nothing to show for it? Honestly - I feel like a complete failure. That my 16 years of professional experience don’t matter one bit.

When I left my full-time gig to pursue starting my own business, I had hoped that in a year, I could justify that decision by making enough income to cover that salary and then some. I also wanted to feel satisfied in my career. Like I was helping others and that I was good at what I do. And while I have glimmers of that with my one-on-one clients and in the group program I recently launched – I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be.

I know these are ‘unprecedented times’ (and that you are likely sick of that statement). That we’re in the midst of a global pandemic. And that this too shall pass.

But it’s hard to keep up the momentum and positivity when it feels like you try so hard and keep getting shut down.

I’m not sure if this will be helpful for anyone but it’s helpful for me to get it out. I’m so grateful for my family, friends, running coach and teammates who’ve encouraged me through this time. To our dog Layla for knowing exactly when I need the doggie snuggles. And to my husband – who loves me unconditionally and supports me through thick and thin – I know that I would not have survived this year without you. I know better things are to come – because of you.

With a new year around the corner, I’m committing myself to keeping a positive mindset as much as possible and focusing on continuing to grow my business. I will come back stronger because of this – just as I have during all those other dark times. As Winston Churchill said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

If you are struggling and don’t have a support system in place, reach out. You aren’t alone. This year sucks – and while we don’t know when things will get better – I’m confident they will eventually get better. I’m here and so are other professionals. Shoot me an email (akoch@runningrdn.com) and let’s connect!

In 2020 I’ve done a lot more cooking with my favorite coworker and cuddle buddy, Layla.